Forgivness, Sin and Guilt

I have done a few things in my life which I have lived to regret, who hasn't?  Often I didn't know I was doing things that were stupid or hurtful till after, or later and, because I am the sort of person who wants people to like me and doesn't like to hurt other people's feelings I am left racked with guilt.   In response to knowing I have done something wrong, as well as asking for forgiveness from the person I have wronged (if this is the reason for the guilt) I ask God for forgiveness, being raised in a Christian home, it is what I have been taught to do and it's what the Bible tells you to do:

1 John 1:19
If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.

 Acts 3:19

Repent, then, and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped out, that times of refreshing may come from the Lord,

What I know is that I AM  forgiven by God, but I continue to beat myself up about the things I have done, I continue to feel bad about them.  For a long time I have been wondering what has gone wrong, if God has forgiven me why do I continue to feel bad, didn't the forgiveness's work? Why doesn't God take away the guilt?  

Then in a sermon the minister talked about how forgiveness is a gift that we have to accept from God and it struck me, I am not accepting God's gift of forgiveness, I don't accept that what he did was enough, I feel like I have to continue to feel bad about things in order to redeem myself for what I did wrong.  How ungrateful is that?  Jesus was horribly murdered in order to pay for my sins, receiving the punishment I deserved and yet I feel like I can somehow repay my debt by feeling bad about it!?
In the same sermon the minister referred to this Bible verse:

Interestingly I had pinned this same verse just the week before (Has God been trying to tell me something?)
So then it occurred to me, yes I am forgiven, but by not accepting the forgiveness completely and still feeling bad I am continuing to sin, it is a different sin to the original one but it is a sin nonetheless.  So I realised in order to feel forgiven I need to continuously give these feelings of guilt and shame to God.  Every time they come to mind I pass them on to Him, just like in one of my favourite hymns:

 What a friend we have in Jesus, 
 all our sins and griefs to bear! 
 What a privilege to carry 
 everything to God in prayer! 
 O what peace we often forfeit,
 O what needless pain we bear, 
 all because we do not carry 
 everything to God in prayer. 

 Have we trials and temptations? 
 Is there trouble anywhere? 
 We should never be discouraged; 
 take it to the Lord in prayer. 
 Can we find a friend so faithful 
 who will all our sorrows share? 
 Jesus knows our every weakness; 
 take it to the Lord in prayer. 

        Are we weak and heavy laden, 
 cumbered with a load of care? 
 Precious Savior, still our refuge; 
 take it to the Lord in prayer. 
 Do thy friends despise, forsake thee? 
 Take it to the Lord in prayer! 
 In his arms he'll take and shield thee; 
 thou wilt find a solace there.

Hope you all had a wonderful Christmas.

I just found this on a lovely blog today and although it isn't really the right time of year, (a month or so too late) I thought it was really quite interesting and wonderful.  There are loads of things like this in the Bible, nothing is irrelevant, nothing is for nothing,

Why Did JESUS Fold the Napkin?

This is one I can honestly say I have never seen circulating in the e-mails so; I'll start it. If it touches you, you might want to forward it.

Why did Jesus fold the linen burial cloth after His resurrection? I never noticed this . . .

The Gospel of John (20:7) tells us that the napkin, which was placed over the face of Jesus, was not just thrown aside like the grave clothes.

The Bible takes an entire verse to tell us that the napkin was neatly folded, and was placed at the head of that stony coffin.

Early Sunday morning, while it was still dark, Mary Magdalene came to the tomb and found that the stone had been rolled away from the entrance.

She ran and found Simon Peter and the other disciple, the one whom Jesus loved. She said, 'They have taken the Lord's body out of the tomb, and I don't know where they have put him!'

Peter and the other disciple ran to the tomb to see. The other disciple out ran Peter and got there first. He stopped and looked in and saw the linen cloth lying there, but he didn't go in.

Then Simon Peter arrived and went inside. He also noticed the linen wrappings lying there, while the cloth that had covered Jesus' head was folded up and lying to the side.

Was that important? Absolutely!

Is it really significant? Yes!

In order to understand the significance of the folded napkin, you have to understand a little bit about Hebrew tradition of that day.

The folded napkin had to do with the Master and Servant, and every

Jewish boy knew this tradition.

When the servant set the dinner table for the master, he made sure that it was exactly the way the master wanted it.

The table was furnished perfectly, and then the servant would wait, just out of sight, until the master had finished eating, and the servant would not dare touch that table, until the master was finished.

Now if the master were done eating, he would rise from the table, wipe his fingers, his mouth, and clean his beard, and would wad up that napkin and toss it onto the table.

The servant would then know to clear the table. For in those days, the wadded napkin meant, "I'm finished."

But if the master got up from the table, and folded his napkin, and laid it beside his plate, the servant would not dare touch the table, because . . .

The folded napkin meant,

"I'm coming back!" 

Good Friday

I have been trying to think of some words to say about what God did for me that day but none of them seem good enough, I would love to tell you about what happened that day that was so amazing, but I am pretty sure I would only discredit it with my words.  Just think on this; even if you were the only person on earth, God would still have come down to die so that you can have a restored relationship with Him.  I hope you have all had a peaceful day and a chance to reflect on how much God loves you. 

Review of 2011

Last year I made some new years resolutions, so though I would now take the opportunity to see which ones I achieved, which ones I nearly achieved and which ones I didn't achieve (and why)  So these were my resolutions for 2011:

1. Read the Bible in a year - I have very nearly done this, I am about two months behind and am proud of that alone, I have never got this far through the Bible before.  I have found the process of reading it very useful, though I have to confess often I am just reading the words and I feel they are not really sinking in, however the odd verse jumps out at me and speaks to me on a really personal level.  My aim now is to read the rest before the baby arrives!

courtesy of weheartit

2. Buy nothing new for a year - Although I did of course buy new things this year, I think I was much more thoughtful when making purchases, I did consider if I could make things or get them second hand and have come to the conclusion that if there is something out there that I really really want (but can't afford), then I can get it one way or another, either I buy something similar second hand or make it myself.

Vintage map bunting for sale in the craft shop

3. Exercise at least 3 time a week - for a long time I was cycling to work every day, but since I fell pregnant I have been too frightened to cycle in case I fall off or hurt myself on the handle bars, so I have stuck with walking; walking to the shops when I can and going for long woodland walks at weekends.

Me on one of our many woodland walks,

4. Eat more healthily - I started the year eating very healthily but in the spring I started medication for Poly-cystic ovarian syndrome which made me feel very sick, then I fell pregnant and felt even more sick to the point where vegetables made me gag (I can't think why my body didn't want me to eat veg but I couldn't) however I did keep eating lots of fruit so don't feel too bad about not being super healthy.

Courtesy of weheartit.com

5. Finish my wedding scrapbook - hmmm still not finished, or even close!

Unfinished wedding scrapbook,

6. Grow more veg - I struggled with this because I had a very difficult start to my pregnancy and as a result wasn't able to work the allotment...AND I got an eviction letter :(  On the bright side I am now sharing the allotment with a friend so hopefully it will be more manageable in 2012, I can't wait to spend time there with my child, showing him or her the wonders of nature,

Courtesy of weheartit.com

7. Make £400 per month of crafts, photography etc - Didn't manage £400 per month, but I was pleased with what I achieved in 2011 in terms of independent money making.  I am going to carry on with my Etsy craft shop, although I have closed the art shop because it wasn't as successful as I had hoped.  I am on maternity leave from photography now, but will start again in late March/April.  Having said that I am definitely happier with the craft side of things than the photography, and am going to work on this more in 2012,

32 sales yippy!

8. Pay off overdraft -  I did this!!  Purely on saving and spending less, so very pleased with myself,

Courtesy of weheartit.com

9. Watch less TV - I did this and re-read "Remotely controlled" to motivate me further, I am going to continue watching less TV and hope that when our baby comes I will be far to busy!  Really don't want to look back on my life and have wasted 12 years watching TV (The average amount British people watch TV in their lifetime!)

Courtesy of weheartit.com

10.  Have 100 followers on the blog - I have 106 lovely lovely followers, I have love for you all, I love your comments, thankyou thankyou for following my blog.

My fabulous followers!

As for 2012, I am not making New Years resolutions but I do have many hopes for my life with my husband and our new baby which I am sure I will share with you as time goes by.  I am really looking forward to 2012.

(Photos are mine unless linked to weheartit.com)

Youth Group painting

I have recently been helping run my church youth group on Sunday evenings and I was given the responsibility of  organising a group painting.  We decided we would create an image similar to that of the church logo which is a tree with people underneath it, the kids at youth group all designed their own logo and we combined them to create a new logo.  I was worried about being too "teachery" in the evening, but the girls who I help run the group with said I was really good.  It gave me a real boost to have people tell me I did really well because positive praise and encouragement like that rarely/never happens at school.  Also all the kids really enjoyed the painting, they tried really hard and were really appreciative, (again another thing that rarely happens in school)  All in all it was a really rewarding experience and is definitely the sort of thing I would like to do more of.

Here are some pics:

And the finished painting:

Now I am 28

Twas my birthday yesterday and now I am 28 years on this beautiful planet.  I have been thinking about the future a lot, I am officially no longer in my mid twenties and am now fully in my late twenties and it is time for me to let go of a few things and move on.
Over the last few years some people who I once called my best friends have seriously let me down, confused me, saddened me and hurt me at times when they should have been happy for me and there for me, and another person who I have never considered a friend but have had in my life regardless, has led me doubt my life, my choices and my feelings, (for the worse), leaving me feeling very inadequate.
I have never felt that the feelings I have had have been fully resolved with these people and when I think about them or hear of them the old wounds open and the same feeling of pain and hurt gush out and my heart feels heavy and aches, but now I am beginning to understand that it doesn't matter because I have been put here for a greater purpose; to serve God and to glorify him in everything I do.  This knowledge gives me a sense of Peace, knowing I can rest in God's amazing purpose for my life and know that everything that has happened has taken place as part of his perfect plan.  What could be more wonderful that knowing I am here serving Him, this truly does overshadow the hurt and pain I have felt.  His purpose is greater than anything.

Winchester

As promised, here are some of my photos from our day trip to Winchester.  Winchester is a historic in the South of England, famous for its Mill, College, Cathedral and final home and resting place of Jane Austen. It has a lot of architectural and historical interest and was a very beautiful city.

Inside the Cathedral gardens.

Walls and archways surrounding the Cathedral,

 Glorious, skeletal ceilings inside the Cathedral,

Apparently this beautifully intricate stonework was painted before the reformation,

Inside the city Mill, National Trust, so free entry for us yippee!

All in all a quite wonderful day accompanied by a yummy brie and bacon sandwich at The Vine Pub and a visit to the most wonderful bookshop I have ever been to, very rickety and old with fitted, solid wood bookshelves and only one copy of each book.  I purchased two Kerry Smith books and a gardening book.  Don't you find it so much more pleasurable to buy books from a shop than from the internet?

Coming tomorrow...My new hair cut!!

In Christ Alone

Confirmation and my testimony

Today I was confirmed at my Church.
For those who are not Christian and wondering what on earth I am talking about, the tradition in the Church of England is to be Baptised as a baby and then to confirm the promises your parents made for you at your Baptism, as an adult.  The confirming of the promises your parents made is called confirmation.  It is also the time when you can officially start taking the bread and the wine (communion) although I have been taking communion for a long time because i felt I had confirmed my faith in my heart a long time ago.   As a teenager I had the chance to be confirmed, all my friends were doing it, but I didn't feel ready.   I feel like such a different person to who I was as a teenager so my confirmation was a very significant thing for me to do.
Here is the testimony that I gave today after my confirmation, a testimony is usually the story of how a Christian came to their faith:

I was raised as a Christian and have always believed in Jesus.  However I can't say that I have always felt like I could let God be in charge of my life.  The transformation from wanting to be in control to being able to give God the control did not happen in a flash but has been a gradual process.  I liken it to a cup being filled by a dripping tap, at one point the cup was empty and drip but drip the cup has become fuller, so that somewhere in the last 27 years a transformation took place in my heart so that I was able to say to God "Here is my life, do what you like with it, it's yours." Being confirmed is a way for me to publicly acknowledge a change that has already taken place in my heart, from being unwilling to being willing.  And I now look forward to God continuing to fill up my cup drip by drip until it is overflowing.

I could have said a lot more, but thank goodness I didn't, I only managed to say this short paragraph before I got choked up!


Here is one of the verses that was read:


John 3:1-7
Now there was a Pharisee, a man named Nicodemus who was a member of the Jewish ruling council. ² He came to Jesus at night and said, “Rabbi, we know that you are a teacher who has come from God. For no one could perform the signs you are doing if God were not with him.”
 ³ Jesus replied, “Very truly I tell you, no one can see the kingdom of God unless they are born again.”
 ⁴ “How can someone be born when they are old?” Nicodemus asked. “Surely they cannot enter a second time into their mother’s womb to be born!”
 ⁵ Jesus answered, “Very truly I tell you, no one can enter the kingdom of God unless they are born of water and the Spirit. ⁶ Flesh gives birth to flesh, but the Spirit gives birth to spirit. ⁷ You should not be surprised at my saying, ‘You must be born again.’

Hope you all have a wonderful week.

Faithful God

I feel really happy today, it has been a stressful week at work and today was the climax.  We were having observations from the senior leadership team AND people from the council.  We were told the day but not what lesson they were coming into. When I found out they would be coming in on Thursday I just thought "oh no" because Thursday is my worst teaching day, I have dreadful classing including nightmare year 9's, offensive year 10's and wild year 8's. My only nice class on that day was year 11period 1 so I was really hoping that I would be observed for this lesson, not only because they are nicer to teach but also because it was the first lesson of the day so I would be able to relax a bit after that if they came in then. I talked to another teacher who was observed on Wednesday and he was observed in his year 10 lesson and said that I would probably be observed either in my year 9 or 10 lesson.  I didn't hear of any other teacher who was observed during a year 11 lesson so was bracing myself for a year 10 or 9 observation and planned the lessons really really well.  I did the least amount of planning for year 11 because I thought they were the class that would be least likely to be observed.  That was how convinced I was that I wouldn't be observed with them.  So I prayed and prayed last night that they would come into my year 11 lesson, and I prayed again this morning, remembering that "You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it" (John 14:14), and about 15 minutes into my year 11 lesson one of the Deputy Heads came in to observe me. I was so pleased and relieved and thankful.  In my heart I was praising God!
I thought I could relax then for the rest of the day but instead God decided to play a joke on me and sent another inspector into my period 2 lesson (year 8). I couldn't believe it, but when I told her that I had already been observed she went away "phew"  Ha ha God, very funny.  But what was interesting was that she showed me her timetable for observation and she was correct to come into my lesson, it was the first observer wasn't timetabled to be there.  This proved to me even more that it was all God's work.  What a faithful God!

New Years resolutions

What I love most about new years is not the drinking and partying (although that can be good too), but the feeling of starting a fresh.  For some reason the transition of one number to another on the calendar gives us a feeling of having another chance, a new start to life.  And this year is no different.  I have many many hopes for the year ahead, I am so excited about it but I didn't want to over do it with the ol' New Years Resolutions so have just come up with 10 (maybe that seems like a lot).  I have tried to be really specific with them rather than making sweeping generalisations and grand gestures:

1.     Read the bible in a year - following my new "Read the Bible in a year" book,

2.   2. Buy nothing new for a year – Only buy new if I can’t make what I need or find it second hand, I am not going to beat myself up if I do buy something, but I am going to try to keep this in mind before making purchases,

3.   3. Exercise – at least 3 times per week, workout videos and walking/jogging, I want to get fit, but also want to enjoy myself, not torture myself,

4.       Eat more healthily - don't buy something ready made when I could make it for myself, eat at least 5 piece of fruit and veg per day,

5.   5.Finish wedding scrapbook before 2^nd anniversary in July.

6.   6. Grow more veg – Tidy allotment and plant over the whole of it, spend at least 1hr per week, (don't get eviction letter), eat what I grow,

7.   7.Make £400 per month through photography, art and craft by August, this is the amount I will be losing by going part time at teaching,

8.   8.Pay off overdraft, be at least at 0 at the end of every month,

9.       Watch less TV -  it is no secret that I am a telly addict so I am going to try to only watch the TV for specific programs and not just put it on because it is the default entertainment activity,

10      Have 100 followers of blog by May,

Le    Let's see how I get on shall we...
          (All photos from weheartit)

Some thoughts on God

Well hello folks,
Whaduyaknow I am ill again. Yes I have a terrible head cold and a migraine to boot. Won't someone tell me how to get rid of a migraine without pain killers? I have tried virtually every recommendation on the internet, sleeping, meditating, peppermint tea, evening primrose oil, garlic, multi-vitamin, fresh air, fruit juice, if this headache doesn't go soon I might even try dipping a paper bag in vinegar and putting it onto my forehead as one website suggested!? This has not been a good start to the year, what with having a day off for my sore gums a couple of weeks ago, and now this *sigh* not good at all, and a sign that I have not been looking after myself properly.
Anyhow, I have been meaning to write this post for a while now, but haven't had time with work being so busy recently, but I have time right now so I will take the opportunity to share some photos with you and some thoughts as well.
I am always amazed by how beautiful this world is in its natural state, wild and free. It strikes me as proof of God, thrills me and fills me with hope. Just the other day there was a fantastic storm which turned the sky sepia; the leaves of the trees shone, glistened and were so vivid green I couldn't take my eyes off them. I have never seen anything like it. Thunder and lightning followed, and then a perfect rainbow, two in fact a sign of a promise, the hand of God at work in a beautiful and fantastic way.

A few days later I was running the worship session at the church home group I go to and decided to do an art related worship - draw how God makes you feel.
I had the advantage of having already decided what I was going to draw before the session began, and it came easily to me but I was surprised by some people's drawings. Many people draw that God made them feel small and confused. Confusion is something I have experienced with God, but I can honestly say that god has never made me feel small.
I drew a heart (which represented me) with two big arms hugging it (they represented God) I added wings to the heart and a sun behind, the a waterfall running over it. That is how God makes me feel.
How does God make you feel?
How does God show himself in your life?



Gosh what a stressful day

Gosh it's been a funny sort of busy and stressful day, I already had a busy day, then I got put down to do cover during my only free on my timetable and had to teach a sour faced year 11 class for an hour. Then at 3.00 I remembered that I had to do something for the worship session at the home group I attend on a Thursday afternoon, so grabbed some paper and felt tips, then remembered that I needed to scan in a painting into the computer (after my poor husband spent all yesterday evening trying to scan it into our laptop without success) the painting is this one which I have made for a commission I have accepted from a friend, the piece is for the cover of a music sheet book. So I spent a while trying to scan it in and then realised the image was too large to email to myself and had to search for a memory stick to save it on *sigh*. Then I had barely walked through my front door before I had a phone call from 02 asking if I wanted to change my mobile phone contract...normally this would by an immediate no because I like my current contaract of free text messages but if did seem like a very good offer with free text messages and 300 free minutes to all mobile networks, and unlimited landline calls. So I am now paying an extra £5 a month?! (have I been had?) Plus I gave all my bank details over the phone *eek*. Not sure what my husband would think of that. So I wait with baited breath for my next bank statement.


I have finally had a chance to sit down and it won't be for long because I have to do a mountain of ironing and tidy the house for a friend who is coming over tomorrow for my husband’s birthday (oh that reminded me I have to wrap all his presents), then do dinner and I am off to the home group at 8.00! Blimey, I am going to be knackered. Wish me luck everyone.

xxx

Sore gums

Hi everyone,
Haven't been online much in the last couple of days, firstly because our laptop charger cable has broken so we can't use the laptop (using the old PC for this) and secondly because on friday I had one of my wisdom teeth removed and have been in awful pain ever since.  I am not a happy girl.
I have been having trouble with the gum around the tooth for years, it was constantly getting infected and the last time was the final straw.  That was 6 months ago and I finally had the tooth taken out in Friday, it was a most traumatic experience, the dentist seemed to have some trouble getting it out because the nurse had to hold my head.  I tried to relax by listening to music, closing my eyes and visualising I was on the beach, but it was very difficult and I feel sick everytime I think about being back in that chair.  I had the tooth on the opposite side removed when I was at Uni for the same problem and I am sure it was not as bad as this, it has now swollen up to the point where you can see by looking at my face that it is swollen. If it is not better by Monday then I will have to go back to the dentist or Doctors and get some anti-biotics.  I can honestly say that when the anasthetic had worn off I was in the worst pain I have ever felt (even worse than when I fell off my bike and took the skin off my leg!)  It is not as bad as that now but it is still very painful.  I am feeling very miserable and just praying that it will get better soon. 
I would really appreciate your prayers too if you are that way inclined.
I hope you are all having a lovely weekend anyway, and hopefully I will be all better soon and posting up some more paintings I have done for my music cover commission.
Hels
xx

Artists who inspire me

I have just started making some new art work which is really differant from what I have been doing before.  It is embroidery and text based and I will display some photos when I have finished a few of them.  I wanted to share with you some of the main inspirations for there pieces of work and for art in general because I feel it will help people have a better understanding of where I am coming from with my work.

First of all an artist who has had a major influence on my work since I was studying Fine Art at Oxford Brookes University is Tracey Emin. Famed for her Unmade bed and narrowly missing winning the Turner Prize back in 1999,she inspires me with her amazing embroidered pieces and subtle mono-prints. These are the works that I really love, they reflect her life, feelings, emotions and opinions and for me, these are the essense of everything I create:

Next, an artist who I discovered only recently on my trip to St Ives embodies many of my belief's about art, how it can be accessible to all and can be a very simple idea.  So many artists and critics think that Art must have many layers of meaning or that it should be subversive or contradictory or challenging.  I just though her work was lovely and reminded me of the pure pleasure of prettiness niceness:

Thirdly is an artist who for a long time I dismissed as just being childish patterns and pictures, I thought it was just colourfulness and shapes for the fun of it, but I recently started reading a book about him and my opinion has totally changed.  Hundertwasser draws his inspiration from a passion for the environment, he believed that beauty was the key to deliverance from evil and because God was creative it is right that we, made in God's image are creative also.

Spiritual sunday

Just a quick one for tonight, I am so tired from a busy weekend and need some sleep!
At church this morning we sang the hymn 'In Christ Alone' which I love.  I particularly enjoy this verse:

No guilt in life, no fear in death,

This is the power of Christ in me,
From life's first cry to final breath,
Jesus commands my destiny,
No power of hell, no scheme of man,
Can ever pluck me from His hand,
'Till He returns or calls me home,
Here in the power of Christ I'll stand.

I love the thought of 'no guilt in life, no fear in death', I am coming to really believe this even more these days.  Also 'no power of hell, no scheme of man can ever pluck me from his hand'.  After a rather bad week at work this line reminds me that nothing anybody does or says to me can change how much God loves me and what he did for me.


Have a great week everyone, 
Helen
x

Spiritual Sunday

Hi friends,

I have been so busy these last few days that I have not had time to do all the things that I have planned to do everyday for my blog, but I am not going to become a slave to doing it so I am not worried and am not going to force myself to do these everyday or beat myself up about it.  I have enough stress in life without stress that I put onto myself as well!  Ok so no more apologising for myself, if I don't do it I don't do it, and if I do, then I do. End of!

So anyhoo, this weekend I went to visit my parents who live is a really beautiful part of Wales.  The weather has been so fantastic and we went for several walks on the beach.  This morning the beach was covered in a heavy mist which was rising from the sea like a soft steam, we wandered on the beach and it was so beautiful and unusual.  Here are some pictures:

When I got home I was inspired by this Bible verse:

Jeremiah 32:17.

"Ah, Sovereign Lord, you have made the heavens and the earth by your great power and outstretched arm.  Nothing is too hard for you"

If you believe is a God, any God, then I feel that this verse is really inspiring.  If God made something so beautiful, wonderful and amazing as our world, just think what He can do in our lives.  Even if you don't believe in God, just look outside and meditate on the beauty and wonder in our world it can bring you peace and make you feel part of something bigger than yourself.

I am back to school tomorrow after a really fantastic holiday not exactly thrilled to be going back to be honest and I STILL haven't finished decorating the living room!  (So when I will have the time for that I don't know) but its back to normal life, and eating healthily and regularly, and cycling again so there are some positives.  I hope you all have a wonderful week.

Hels