Thoughts on becoming a stay-at-home-mum

I have been wanting to write this post for a while now and had a few of the sentences floating round in my head.  Now I have come to finally write it I am finding my phrases imperfect and not truly reflecting the emotions I have been through over the past year, however I have gone ahead and written some words, imperfect as they are to try to describe where I am now in my life, I am sorry they aren't flowing and poetic, but I hope they show truth and I guess that's the most important thing.  I hope you can forgive me...I am tired!
On the 31st of January I officially completed my last day of maternity leave and became a full time stay at home mum (although I have to say there isn't an awful lot of staying at home involved!) I went into my school to hand in my keys and access card and say bye to the other teachers in my department, as I left school I felt a range of emotions, from sadness at leaving my job, my fellow teachers and my pupils, to joy and relief that I wasn't going to have to leave my baby boy with a nursery or child-minder, and I would get to do what I have always dreamed of, bring up my own baby and being a mum.  It wasn't an easy decision to make, losing one income in our house means making cutbacks in our daily living, lots of compromises and penny pinching.  I also have a strange shadow of a feeling of losing part of myself somehow.  I don't relish the thought of not being employed, particularly not having my own money but also losing a substantial part of my identity, teaching art is part of who I am and I am not going to have that any more, I certainly feel like I am losing a small amount of independence, it's something I am still getting my head around, but trying to accept that I have a new job now, the most wonderful and important job I will ever and could ever do.
As I drove home, my little mad sleeping in the back, Lady GaGa on the CD player, I reflected on the past year, on the highs and lows and on what a challenging year it has been.  As well as the most wonderful experiences and emotions, at times I have also felt broken, torn apart, vulnerable and insecure.  It has definitely been the hardest year of my life.  And as stressful and frustrating as teaching has been at times nothing has compared to how hard it is being a parent.  I used to think it was hard work being a teacher, going to work every day, teaching unappreciative children, working long hours, often thankless and sometimes depressing, but I didn't know anything!  I didn't have a clue about how hard life could be until I became a parent. Giving birth has defiantly scarred me, it broke me open, both physically and emotionally and I am still recovering.  Looking after a tiny baby who doesn't...can't thank you, the breastfeeding, the wakeful nights, the feeling of desperation when your precious baby is crying and nothing...nothing seems to make him feel better.  The hours I spent walking in circles around the green opposite my house soothing him to sleep in the carrier, these are all just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to actually looking after a baby. 
And I now have so so much admiration for my parents, my mother particularly, and mothers everywhere.  To me there really is nothing harder than being pregnant, giving birth and being a mother.  I can't even being to imagine how hard it must be for women who desperately want to stay home with their babes and for financial reasons they have to go back to work, I know how lucky I am that statying at home was an option for me.  And don't get me wrong, I chose it, I wanted it, it was, is a dream that for a long time I never thought would come true.  And I LOVE it.
On Monday my gorgeous boy turns one and I will reflect on the day my life changed forever and do you know what, we may not have much money but I couldn't be happier. And I can't wait to continue sharing my life with you, hopefully more frequently in future even if I am clumsy with my words and stumble on my phrasing, I have found writing this blog helpful in enabling me to reflect on life, so as sparse as it is sometimes, I still love it.

Is he gorgeous or what??

New Years Resolutions

I didn't make any New Years resolutions last year, I knew with a new baby on the way I would have enough challenges to face in 2012.  As we begin a new year, I have to say I am really glad that I didn't make any resolutions, but now I am feeling ready to make some changes in my life for the better, I have got lazy over the last year, lazy with eating, drinking, reading, TV watching and surfing the net, I want to clean up these areas of my life a bit and make my life more like I want it to be.  Also it's not just about me this year, it is me and Orren and our family generally.  So after much thought and editing, here is my list of New Years Resolutions.

I often wish that we didn't have a TV, I envy others who are able to go without watching it at all.  I want the space in my head and life, I also don't want Orren watching the TV and he has been recently, which is totally against my philosophy and I can't even believe I have allowed it, so my first resolution is no TV during the day, the TV only goes on in the evening.   I know this is going to be hard for me because I do enjoy watching the TV while eating my breakfast and lunch, and when breastfeeding, but I really want this change in my and Orren's life. If any one has any tips on giving up TV I would love to hear them.

Having a baby changed me, no doubt about it, mostly it made me a stronger more passionate, empathetic person, but there have also been some negative changes.  I am far more insecure than I ever was and find myself feeling bad about so many things and worrying about upsetting people, getting upset about being left out and worrying that everyone else is having more fun than me. One of the causes of me feeling bad is b**dy Facebook.  Seriously, I hate the thing, and yet I don't seem to be able to stop myself going on a seeing what everyone else is up to.  The result, "X, Y and Z seem to be so happy and having so much fun, my life is s**t".  So, my next resolution is not to avoid Facebook altogether but to only go on to add photos for my family a friends to see and to arrange get togethers with friends and groups etc.  No more scrolling through other people's activities and making myself feel bad, Facebook doesn't control me, I control it, I will use it only on my own terms.

This year we have been pretty lazy when it comes to food, not planning in advance and eating a lot from the freezer. I can forgive myself this since we were getting to grips with a new baby, but I think now is the time to improve our diet, not just for our sake but because Orren now joins us for three meals a day and I want him to develop healthy eating habits. I also think making more food from scratch is beneficial in terms of self-sufficient, it will also challenge me to think more and be more creative with meals.  So basically this resolution is about avoiding processed food, planning all our meals much more carefully and being more creative with what we are eating (i.e. not just variations of beans on toast for lunch every day).  To add to this I also want to dramatically reduce the amount of sugar I am eating.  I usually have a tablespoon of golden syrup on my porridge every day and I think it is making me feel bad, itchy and runny nose bad.  Oh and caffeine.  I should probably try to reduce the amount of that I have too.  Green tea from now on. The ultimate aim of all these diet changes is that I will be able to get back to the weight I was at my wedding, and I will be able to stop taking anti-histamines for allergies and using steroid creams for my skin.  I also want to make more of my own natural remedies and home remedies for minor ailments.

Although I am planning on not watching TV during the day, I do enjoy some down time in the evening where I can stop thinking and zone out for a bit, however I do feel like this is wasted time, especially as this is the only time during the day that I get alone without a small child to look after (who by the way is into everything), so my next resolution is to do a craft project in the evenings while I am watching TV.  To help me with this resolution I am going to get the craft activity ready during the day because if I leave it till the evening then it's too late to get craft supplies out of the cupboard in the bedroom next to the cot where Orren sleeps.

Two years ago I started reading "The Bible in a year"  This year I will finish it!

On top of theses main resolutions I have a little list of other changes I want to make:

Do you make New Years Reolutions?  What are they this year?

My advent calander

I know it is too late to share this calender as a tutorial or anything, but I thought I would share it anyway just to show I do follow things through!

  

 

  

 

In each of the envelopes is an activity to do on that day.  I can't say I have stuck to it rigidly because I didn't want to stress myself out with it at probably the most stressful time of the year.  

These are the activities from the list:

1^st – Saturday - Photograph Orren in his Christmas outfit

2^nd – Sunday – Make Christmas gift wish list

3^{rd –} Monday – Design and make lino cut for Christmas cards

4^{th –} Tuesday – Print Christmas cards

5^th – Wednesday – Write Christmas cards

6^th – Thursday – Post Christmas cards

7^th – Friday – Drink spiced cider

8^th –Saturday – Bring in the Christmas tree and decorate it

9^{th –} Sunday – Do a Christmas puzzle

10^{th –} Monday – Get Christmas books out of the library for Orren

11^th – Tuesday – Make a gingerbread house

12^th – Wednesday – Buy a Christmas scrap book 

13^th – Thursday – Make a Christmas wreath

14^th – Friday – Watch “it’s a Wonderful Life”

15^th – Saturday – Buy new pyjamas for Christmas morning

16^th – Sunday – Make  a Christmas tree ornament

17^th – Monday – Make mince pies

18^th – Tuesday – Wrap Christmas presents

19^th – Wednesday - Make hot chocolate with a candy cane stirrer

20^th – Thursday – Make Christmas place mats

21^st – Friday – Make Christmas stockings

22^nd – Saturday – Have a candle lit meal

23^rd – Sunday – Drink mulled wine

24^th – Monday – Go to crib service at Church, read the night before Christmas

Shopping list:

I made the calender by making my own envelopes from Christmas scrap booking paper the used a typewriter to type the activities on corresponding paper.  I mounted the envelopes on a piece of mount board which I covered with brown wrapping paper glues down with a pritt stick, I glues a little peg to the mount board with attached each envelope to the board with this.  I made a little number on each envelope by gluing brown wrapping paper to thin card the drawing round the lid of the pritt stick and cutting it out. I then drew on the number and glued them to the envelope. 

 As for me, I am happily getting ready for Christmas and enjoying my lovely little boy who is getting bigger everyday, I can hardly keep up.  He crawls now and can pull himself up to standing, he is charming.

Hope you are all good and enjoying the festive season.

 

The start of Autumn

Saturday was officially the first day of Autumn, (well ok officially the 22nd of September is the start of Autumn because that's the autumnal equinox, but I say 1st September because if you divide the year into four then there are three months for each season and September is the first for Autumn so there we go) and it had started to feel like it at the end of last week; we woke up to a bit of condensation on the windows and a general sense of chilliness in the air.  Normally this time of year fills me with dread, all those dark mornings and evenings, the cold, the wet, but this year I feel different, I am looking froward to watching the leaves change colour and walking in them through the woods hearing them crunch underfoot, I am looking forward to pumpkin pie and fruit cake and other Autumnal delights.  I am finding myself fantasising about frosty mornings, seeing my breath in the air, walking on crunchy grass and best of all, our first Christmas at home!
I always vowed that once we had a baby we would no longer be performing the yearly ritual of travelling from one side of the country to the other, visiting one set of parents in London and another set in Wales, so this is the year when we get to snuggle up in our very own beds on Christmas eve, fill a little stocking for Orren then wake up and settle in on our own sofas with some chocolates.  Oooh so excited about our first Christmas dinner our way, making our own Christmas traditions, watching what we want on TV and much much more.
I can also put the past year of veg growing (or lack thereof) behind me and start thinking about growing lots of lovely things to eat at the allotment and let Orren have a good dig around in the mud too.  I am still chasing my tail with him, stressing about not taking enough photos and not recording enough.  But I am just trying to enjoy life generally and not worry too much about the endless recording, I don't want to miss the real thing!
Today however is glorious sunshine and I have been sitting in the garden feeling like summer has only just begun!
How do you feel about Autumn, dread or look forward to?

Here are some photos from past Autumns and Winters:

First time at the seaside!

Thought I would share with you some photos I took a couple of weeks ago when we ventured to the seaside on a sunny day in July (one of the few!) We drank elderflower champagne, and our little Orren dipped his toes in the big blue for the very first time.  He wasn't sure at first, then didn't seem to mind, he wasn't happy about the small waves crashing and the froth running over his feet and then he realised it was reeeeally cold, and got a bit upset!  Bless him.  

Elderflower champagne,

little toes on the pebbles, 

Having a little look,

First little paddle with daddy.

All these new experiences feel so special and I want to capture them all!  I didn't even get to have a photo with myself at the beach with him! We both felt so sorry for him when he got upset about the cold, and I desperately wanted to protect him from sunburn, keeping him shaded with a large umbrella and lots of blankets and muslins.  I was so focused on protecting his beautiful white skin that I totally forgot to protect my own!  Very bad sunburn ensued.  So bad that I had to fill the bath with cold water and kneel in it in the middle of the night!  Wear sunscreen folks!

Anniversary

3 years ago, I married the man of my dreams!  Now we have a little baby!  I can't believe it, I feel so blessed.
We met on 25th August 2000 at Reading Music festival and became boyfriend and girlfriend one month later.  He was in his first year of Uni and I was still in school!

Who knew that at just 17 years old I had met the man who would later father my baby! It was an old fashioned romance and he was my childhood sweetheart, still is!

9 years after we met we finally married in the most perfect wedding ever (I know everyone says that, but it's true!)

We exchanged cards and agreed not to give gifts, although he surprised me with flowers when he came home from work (naughty!) Then we went out for a meal with our little family.  A lovely afternoon. Thanks Hubby!

What this blog is all about

This might sound really silly but the other day I realised what this blog is all about.  I had been feeling all bothered about not having a singular voice or a focus for the blog.  I wanted it to be cohesive, but felt it came across as muddled and without direction because of all my separate interests, ideas and aspects to my life.
It hit me whilst browsing some other blogs about parenting; The Minimalist Mom,  The imagination tree and Little eco footprints.  And now, having seen the way other people come across on their blogs, I can explain the content of my blog with one wonderful word, Alternative.  Let me explain first by examining what I see as being the opposite to "Alternative":
The Anti-to my "alternative" can be encompassed in three words; conventional, mainstream and conformist.  I see these things as following the status-quo, not questioning, accepting the way things are, not hoping for change.  Also, (perhaps rather more controversially) I see this way of life as being Capitalist; a life in which on strives for always more money and/or power; consumerism.
 My life, and this blog is about getting more of other things in my life than money, stuff and power.  More love, more joy, more peace, greater satisfaction, better relationships, greater autonomy,  more self-reliance when it comes to material things, better quality of life. And in so doing, following a way of life which is alternative to the mainstream of what most people do; challenging what is the norm and being more mindful of the planet as I do so.  Putting this into practical terms means my blog is about:

• Trying to be financially self-sufficient through working for myself, selling my wares (Art, crafts) and my skills (teaching, photography),
• Trying to be more environmentally friendly and self-sufficient through growing my own veg (Allotment), making things rather than buying them (crafts) and doing things that help the environment, or at the least cause it less damage,
• Following alternative parenting approaches, (attachment parenting, eco-parenting)
• Differentiating myself from secular, mainstream society, living a "good" life, (Christianity) 
• Thinking about life, the world and everything in a different way, not conforming to how society expects me to behave, act, dress etc.

And all these things are of course interconnecting, so it looks something like this:

A bit messy I know, but that's just me!

So in summary, this blog is about my life...my Alternative life.  

Hope you like it!

How my baby is growing!

I am always feeling like I am not to sure how much you guys want to see pics of my little baby, but he is such a big part of my life now I just can't pretend every thing is going on as normal!  I am so busy with his all day he really does take all my attention I have virtually no time for anything else.  He is so sweet and growing so quickly, at the moment he is really discovering his body and what he can do with it, sucking his feet, tugging at his ears and making all manner of noises.  He is still waking up a couple of time most nights for extra feeds and doesn't sleep much during the day.  He likes to be entertained and gets bored quickly, he goes a bit stir crazy is he is indoors all day, loves being held, looked at, talked to.  He doesn't like being left alone.  The day before yesterday he sat by himself for the first time (for a few moments before toppling)!  Anyway I could go on and on about him.  I love him so much. Who knew!?
Here are some pics:

Hope you are all good, anyone still reading this blog?

What to do when you feel like you don't belong?

Today I received a text message on my phone saying I could get 20% discount on my purchases from New Look if I gave them a particular code at the checkout.  So I took myself and my bubba off into town, him in his pushchair and headed to New Look to see if I could scout out a few bargains. I haven't actually shopped in New Look for probably a few years, but didn't think I was so past it that it wasn't a shop for me.  Top Shop maybe, but not New Look.  How wrong was I?  Not only was it patently clear that the staff rarely came across a shopper with a baby in tow (lots of faffing in the changing rooms), but the clothes were most certainly targeted at a younger age group that my own!  Seriously, unless you enjoy wearing leggings and a denim jacket with the sleeves cut off, there was nothing in that shop for you.

I meandered around town for about half an hour after this and left feeling a strong sense that I didn't belong.  Talking on the phone to my sister later I said that it wasn't that I felt too old but just that I wasn't part of that world any more.  I had very little desire to buy anything, in fact the only thing I saw that I was even remotely interested in buying I decided I could make myself.

Is it just me or do you sometimes feel like you aren't part of this world?
Sometimes I think I just want to pack it all in, sell the house and buy a shack or mobile home or something with a little bit of land, grow my own veg, have a goat and not worry about the rest of the world, just my own little patch with my husband and baby where I don't have to constantly compare my body to those of the over stuffed teenagers tat are forced in front of out faces every time we open a magazine or see a billboard, where I don't have to think about the latest trends in fashion, or the newest age defying face cream.

Do you ever feel like you want to reject the modern day world?  How do you satisfy this longing when you really can't escape the life you have to live?

Things I am learning

Hi all,
I am so busy it is ridiculous, and not in the sense of having numerous social occasions and lots of important things to do, but in the sense that I have a baby who won't be put down, so I can't get anything done! I am afraid blogging has taken a back seat.  I miss it!
Finally I have five mins to sit down and write something, but it's going to be short and sweet I am afraid, so here are a few bullet points of things I have learnt over the past few weeks, and some photos of life:

1. Being a mum is hard (more in this in the future I feel),

2. Women are amazing (also more on this in the future undoubtedly),

3. Babies change quickly,

4. When I leave this earth I don't want people to say "oh didn't she have a clean house" I want them to say "wasn't she a great mother/wife/friend",

5.To enjoy every moment, not to worry about the future, God has that covered.