New look for the blog and a change of attitude

You may have noticed that the blog looks a bit different, I felt it needed a spring clean, I might make a few more changes yet, I took away the tabs at the side and may replace them with new images when I get time, there is a new banner and profile pic, and a new tab along the top - recipes.  I hope you like it!
As for the change of attitude, I felt bad after the last post, it was so negative and although it was how I was feeling that day and possibly everything I said was legitimate I have decided that I want this blog to be more about the person I would LIKE to be than jumping on random moments of anger or annoyance.

When I dwell on negativity it makes me feel bad and I am sure you readers find no joy from me ranting,

If I want to be happy then I need to spread happiness,

So that's the plan for the moment, do you think it's a good one?

Thoughts on becoming a stay-at-home-mum

I have been wanting to write this post for a while now and had a few of the sentences floating round in my head.  Now I have come to finally write it I am finding my phrases imperfect and not truly reflecting the emotions I have been through over the past year, however I have gone ahead and written some words, imperfect as they are to try to describe where I am now in my life, I am sorry they aren't flowing and poetic, but I hope they show truth and I guess that's the most important thing.  I hope you can forgive me...I am tired!
On the 31st of January I officially completed my last day of maternity leave and became a full time stay at home mum (although I have to say there isn't an awful lot of staying at home involved!) I went into my school to hand in my keys and access card and say bye to the other teachers in my department, as I left school I felt a range of emotions, from sadness at leaving my job, my fellow teachers and my pupils, to joy and relief that I wasn't going to have to leave my baby boy with a nursery or child-minder, and I would get to do what I have always dreamed of, bring up my own baby and being a mum.  It wasn't an easy decision to make, losing one income in our house means making cutbacks in our daily living, lots of compromises and penny pinching.  I also have a strange shadow of a feeling of losing part of myself somehow.  I don't relish the thought of not being employed, particularly not having my own money but also losing a substantial part of my identity, teaching art is part of who I am and I am not going to have that any more, I certainly feel like I am losing a small amount of independence, it's something I am still getting my head around, but trying to accept that I have a new job now, the most wonderful and important job I will ever and could ever do.
As I drove home, my little mad sleeping in the back, Lady GaGa on the CD player, I reflected on the past year, on the highs and lows and on what a challenging year it has been.  As well as the most wonderful experiences and emotions, at times I have also felt broken, torn apart, vulnerable and insecure.  It has definitely been the hardest year of my life.  And as stressful and frustrating as teaching has been at times nothing has compared to how hard it is being a parent.  I used to think it was hard work being a teacher, going to work every day, teaching unappreciative children, working long hours, often thankless and sometimes depressing, but I didn't know anything!  I didn't have a clue about how hard life could be until I became a parent. Giving birth has defiantly scarred me, it broke me open, both physically and emotionally and I am still recovering.  Looking after a tiny baby who doesn't...can't thank you, the breastfeeding, the wakeful nights, the feeling of desperation when your precious baby is crying and nothing...nothing seems to make him feel better.  The hours I spent walking in circles around the green opposite my house soothing him to sleep in the carrier, these are all just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to actually looking after a baby. 
And I now have so so much admiration for my parents, my mother particularly, and mothers everywhere.  To me there really is nothing harder than being pregnant, giving birth and being a mother.  I can't even being to imagine how hard it must be for women who desperately want to stay home with their babes and for financial reasons they have to go back to work, I know how lucky I am that statying at home was an option for me.  And don't get me wrong, I chose it, I wanted it, it was, is a dream that for a long time I never thought would come true.  And I LOVE it.
On Monday my gorgeous boy turns one and I will reflect on the day my life changed forever and do you know what, we may not have much money but I couldn't be happier. And I can't wait to continue sharing my life with you, hopefully more frequently in future even if I am clumsy with my words and stumble on my phrasing, I have found writing this blog helpful in enabling me to reflect on life, so as sparse as it is sometimes, I still love it.

Is he gorgeous or what??

Forgivness, Sin and Guilt

I have done a few things in my life which I have lived to regret, who hasn't?  Often I didn't know I was doing things that were stupid or hurtful till after, or later and, because I am the sort of person who wants people to like me and doesn't like to hurt other people's feelings I am left racked with guilt.   In response to knowing I have done something wrong, as well as asking for forgiveness from the person I have wronged (if this is the reason for the guilt) I ask God for forgiveness, being raised in a Christian home, it is what I have been taught to do and it's what the Bible tells you to do:

1 John 1:19
If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.

 Acts 3:19

Repent, then, and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped out, that times of refreshing may come from the Lord,

What I know is that I AM  forgiven by God, but I continue to beat myself up about the things I have done, I continue to feel bad about them.  For a long time I have been wondering what has gone wrong, if God has forgiven me why do I continue to feel bad, didn't the forgiveness's work? Why doesn't God take away the guilt?  

Then in a sermon the minister talked about how forgiveness is a gift that we have to accept from God and it struck me, I am not accepting God's gift of forgiveness, I don't accept that what he did was enough, I feel like I have to continue to feel bad about things in order to redeem myself for what I did wrong.  How ungrateful is that?  Jesus was horribly murdered in order to pay for my sins, receiving the punishment I deserved and yet I feel like I can somehow repay my debt by feeling bad about it!?
In the same sermon the minister referred to this Bible verse:

Interestingly I had pinned this same verse just the week before (Has God been trying to tell me something?)
So then it occurred to me, yes I am forgiven, but by not accepting the forgiveness completely and still feeling bad I am continuing to sin, it is a different sin to the original one but it is a sin nonetheless.  So I realised in order to feel forgiven I need to continuously give these feelings of guilt and shame to God.  Every time they come to mind I pass them on to Him, just like in one of my favourite hymns:

 What a friend we have in Jesus, 
 all our sins and griefs to bear! 
 What a privilege to carry 
 everything to God in prayer! 
 O what peace we often forfeit,
 O what needless pain we bear, 
 all because we do not carry 
 everything to God in prayer. 

 Have we trials and temptations? 
 Is there trouble anywhere? 
 We should never be discouraged; 
 take it to the Lord in prayer. 
 Can we find a friend so faithful 
 who will all our sorrows share? 
 Jesus knows our every weakness; 
 take it to the Lord in prayer. 

        Are we weak and heavy laden, 
 cumbered with a load of care? 
 Precious Savior, still our refuge; 
 take it to the Lord in prayer. 
 Do thy friends despise, forsake thee? 
 Take it to the Lord in prayer! 
 In his arms he'll take and shield thee; 
 thou wilt find a solace there.

Hope you all had a wonderful Christmas.

Tiny houses

A while ago I wrote THIS blog post about tiny spaces.  There must be something in the nations consciousness about wanting to retreat to a small space because there have been two programmes on TV recently on such a topic.  First was Kevin McCloud's Man Made Home, where he builds a small portable shed from trees on his own land and furnishes it with a bespoke chair and bed.  He is able to cook on a hob which is supplied from methane gas gathered from an outside toilet and bathes in a bath made from aeroplane parts.

And then there is George's Clarke's Amazing Spaces.  Clarke investigates other people's small spaces and builds his own from an old 1970's mobile home.

What is it about small spaces that we are all craving?  Is it that we are all becoming over whelmed by the bigness of our lives these days?  We live in a global community; we eat food and consume goods from the other side of the world, our friends and family are scattered across the country, sometimes the world, many people don't even know their neighbours.  

The expectation is that as we progress through life, we will get more money and more stuff, then we need more space for all our stuff so we buy a bigger house which we fill with more stuff.  But all this extra stuff and space is not making us happier is it?  I remember reading that, as a country, we are far richer than we were 50 years ago, and yet cases of depression and increased. 

It seems to me that there is something clicking in people's subconscious that is driving us to crave a simpler way of life, one where are needs are met simply and practically.  The smaller space also encourages us to venture outside and become closer to nature where we are cleansed and healed from the constant bombardment of information, images, sounds and things that is the modern life. 

I already live in a fairly small space, but I still crave a little shed or caravan where I can escape from...what?...Life?  I am not sure, what I want to escape from, perhaps it is just the chaos and confusion of life which you can shut out more readily in a small space, or rather there is no room for it to come in!

So lets fantasise a little about tiny houses and little spaces and pretend we can shut ourselves away and be alone with our thoughts just for a while before we have to face reality, messy, chaotic, big, reality.

Talking about parenting is a minefield

Or rather talking about parenting is like walking through a minefield.  A really horrible minefield filled with lots and lots of different footpaths to follow, all filled with lots and lots of mines.  Whichever one you take you still trip over some, there is no safe path.  Sometimes I think it might be best not to choose any path at all, just hide under a rock or something!
This has been my experience anyway which is why I have closed this blog down for a few days.  After receiving some worrying comments on a post I did about Baby Led Weaning, I discovered that I offended some people that I know personally and I felt exposed and vulnerable.  Obviously, if you know me at all you would know that I am not the sort of person who goes out of their way to upset people.  But I am someone with opinions, strong ones, which begs the question, talk about parenting or not? Clearly if you have strong opinions about something you are bound to upset someone at some point even when you don't mean to, so does that mean it's better not to say anything at the risk of upsetting someone? Or do you say what you need to say because you have a voice, a heart, an idea, a truth and it needs telling? It is a hard a difficult road to take, the truth road, and I am not talking about right or wrong, good or bad, but personal truth, my truth.  
And yet I find it so hard to remember that what I see as truth, someone else might not.  Is it possible to hate something for myself and yet not hate it for someone else?
Is it possible to love something for myself and not want to share it with the world?

I really am truly sorry for upsetting people with my words, my truth, I used to think "Those who mind don't matter, those who matter don't mind"  but perhaps life isn't as simple as this because sometimes the truth hurts and I don't want to hurt people.

I took a risk with my Baby Led Weaning post, I exposed part of myself that I haven't exposed before, I expressed what I thought about something in an uncompromising way, no "if it's right for you" but my own thoughts on something without apology.  But I made a mistake.  Not in what I said, but in how I said it.  

And I think that is the key to this experience, (and thank goodness I have learnt something from it, or else it would have been for nothing) I have to think carefully not about what I say, but about the way I say it, because, unlike when chatting friends where intonation and emphasis can change the meaning of what is being told, the truth of a message can be lost in the facelessness of the written word.  

So here I am facing the future, I am not hiding away any more, but I am carefully selecting which bits of myself to reveal, which thoughts, which truths, and thinking carefully about how I expose them.  I am facing the future with love and kindness, sensitivity and peace, trying to remember that some truths are not universal even if they mean the world to me.

The start of Autumn

Saturday was officially the first day of Autumn, (well ok officially the 22nd of September is the start of Autumn because that's the autumnal equinox, but I say 1st September because if you divide the year into four then there are three months for each season and September is the first for Autumn so there we go) and it had started to feel like it at the end of last week; we woke up to a bit of condensation on the windows and a general sense of chilliness in the air.  Normally this time of year fills me with dread, all those dark mornings and evenings, the cold, the wet, but this year I feel different, I am looking froward to watching the leaves change colour and walking in them through the woods hearing them crunch underfoot, I am looking forward to pumpkin pie and fruit cake and other Autumnal delights.  I am finding myself fantasising about frosty mornings, seeing my breath in the air, walking on crunchy grass and best of all, our first Christmas at home!
I always vowed that once we had a baby we would no longer be performing the yearly ritual of travelling from one side of the country to the other, visiting one set of parents in London and another set in Wales, so this is the year when we get to snuggle up in our very own beds on Christmas eve, fill a little stocking for Orren then wake up and settle in on our own sofas with some chocolates.  Oooh so excited about our first Christmas dinner our way, making our own Christmas traditions, watching what we want on TV and much much more.
I can also put the past year of veg growing (or lack thereof) behind me and start thinking about growing lots of lovely things to eat at the allotment and let Orren have a good dig around in the mud too.  I am still chasing my tail with him, stressing about not taking enough photos and not recording enough.  But I am just trying to enjoy life generally and not worry too much about the endless recording, I don't want to miss the real thing!
Today however is glorious sunshine and I have been sitting in the garden feeling like summer has only just begun!
How do you feel about Autumn, dread or look forward to?

Here are some photos from past Autumns and Winters:

Attachment Parenting - What I do

You might have read a few of my posts that touched on the subject of attachment parenting, but I haven't really gone into detail about how I practice it with my little boy, so I thought I would dedicate a whole post to the subject so you can understand my point of view of the parenting technique and perhaps see something you like and maybe take it up for yourself.

I became familiar with attachment parenting when I was looking for a parenting book that fitted with my desire for a technique that was based on following my natural instincts.  I looked on Amazon and came across a book called The Continuum Concept by Jean Leidloff, I was already familiar with the concept after watching a TV programme many years ago called Bringing up baby, it had struck a chord with me which obviously stuck, I noticed another book that many people who bought The Continuum Concept had also bought, called The Attachment Parenting Book by William and Martha Sears. After reading the blurb and some reviews I thought it sounded just like what I was interested in so I bought both books.
I found The Continuum Concept difficult to read and wasn't sure how to apply the techniques in real life, The Attachment Parenting Book was far more accessible and easy to read. I understood straight away how to apply the techniques in real life, and liked the fact that it wasn't an all-or-nothing approach to parenting, but you could pick and choose what suited your lifestyle.  The principles of Attachment Parenting are the 7 Baby B's which are:
Bonding at Birth - Holding your baby after it's born, having skin-to-skin contact and keeping him near you, (generally this in encouraged in UK hospitals anyway),
Breastfeeding - The nutritional benefits aren't rammed down your throat, it is more about the opportunity to bond and to become more attached to you baby, and for baby to become more attached to you.  They say that you can still be an attached parent if you bottle feed, it's about the way you do it.
Baby Wearing - Carrying baby in a sling or otherwise, they encourage this for about 4 hours per day.
Bedding close to baby - Co-sleeping,
Belief in the language of baby's cries - Responding when baby's cries, learning what it's different cries mean,
Beware of baby trainers - Trying to take no notice of people who tell you to let baby cry, who encourage controlled crying, who tell you your baby will become clingy etc.
and Balance - Making sure you are happy with using the principles of Attachment Parenting in your own way, adapting it to your lifestyle, not following it like a strict regime.

I found some these principles easier to follow than others:

• Bonding at birth wasn't too much of a problem, the hospital encouraged skin-to-skin contact after Orren was born and fortunately I was able to keep him with me after birth, I held him for most of our first night together which was lovely, although I didn't get much sleep!  
• Breastfeeding was OK once I got the hang of it (Read this for more on my thoughts about breastfeeding),I am still feeding him now, although am pretty tired of wearing frumpy old nursing bras.
• I have always responded to Orren's cries and have never left him to cry, I have not yet been able to understand the meaning of each of his cries on a concious level, but I think sub-consciously I must be responding correctly, because he rarely cries for more than a few minutes a day, and I seem to know what he wants and what to do without thinking too much about it.  I am afraid I really cannot understand people who practice controlled crying, it seems cruel to me.  I think you have to be very special parents and have a very special baby for the controlled crying technique to work without breaking your heart and that of your baby's,
• Being aware of baby trainers has been interesting because they come in the most unlikely forms of friends and family members. It can be difficult to ignore what they say when they are just trying to help, at times I have considered some of their suggestions, but fortunately not for long!  And I have managed to stand my ground so far.  I am always surprised when I speak to other mums who say they have used Gina Ford's techniques, I looked on her website and she said that she must be doing something right because she sells X number of books, but I just think parents want an answer to the complicated  confusing, unpredictable thing that is a new baby and often realising that there isn't an answer helps you become more relaxed and to go with the flow of your baby instead of trying to fit them round your internal clock.
• Balance has been good and I am so glad that this is included in the baby b's, as it has enabled me to not worry too much about the fact that I haven't followed the principles to the letter, that's the whole point of it, the technique is designed so that parents don't get stressed out by it and so they don't feel ruled by it.  Other parenting books make you feel like a falier if you haven't been able to follow through with some technique or other, but not Attachment Parenting.

Others I have struggled with:

• Baby wearning has been a bit difficult because I have found myself getting a bad back after carrying Orren for too long.  It wasn't too bad at first because he was small and light and I could wear him on my front without him getting too much in the way when doing housework etc. But as time has passed I have found it more and more difficult.  I need a carrier so I can out him on my back, but haven't got round to making one yet.  However, I always have him facing me in the cot, and do try to carry him a lot during the day.
• Bedding close to baby has been difficult, we have Orren in a little cot next to our bed but he often ends up in bed with us from about 3.00am when he wakes.  I couldn't have him in bed with us all night because I get really uncomfortable and have even ended up with a frozen neck!  I don't feel bad about it though because he is right next to us and I always pick him up when he cries.  My main concern now is that he won;t fit into his little cot soon and then he will have to go into his own room :(

As my parenting journey continues I have found a whole community of people who share my philosophy over at naturalmamas and I have found out more and more about ways to be a natural parent.  At the moment we are having a go at Baby Led Weaning and I am reading up on gentle discipline in Unconditional Parenting.  It's such an exciting journey and I am loving it.  I am so glad I found out about Attachment Parenting.  Don't believe they hype, find out about it for yourself, you will probably be pleasantly surprised to find that you are already following many of the principles.  

Sexism at the Allotment

I had a rather unpleasant experience at the allotment this afternoon with an older gentleman whose allotment is opposite mine; leaving me thinking that sexism is still alive and kicking in certain corners of the UK.  Fortunately I learnt a lesson from the experience so it wasn't a total waste.  Let me tell you what happened.
I was happily pulling up harvesting nettles when I saw a car approach, I had pulled my car as far over as possible and went over and asked if there was room.  He criticised my parking with the usual adage "women drivers" and said "well move then" I tried to be all jovial and jolly and all "ha ha isn't it funny, silly old me, what a terrible parker", and got in my car to move it, of course stalled and got all faffy trying to squeeze into my space and in the end gave up and reversed into another allotmenter's space.  He passed and I began to move back to my space (I didn't think I should park in someone else's spot) and he said "lazy bitch" and something about not walking a few meters.  I wasn't sure how to take this.  He still seemed to be jokey and talked as if having a laugh, but I didn't really appreciate being called a bitch, I said something about wanting to park near my baby and said to him that I was leaving in a minute anyway.  I started packing my things up feeling a bit cross and annoyed at myself for not saying something sensible and he came over and said "leaving already, you have only been here 10 minutes"  (bearing in mind I had been there over an hour and who the hell was he to criticise my time spent there when he had only just arrived)  He actually often says this and it has become a bit of a running joke.  Yes I can only spend a short time at the allotment, I have a 5 month old baby!  Anyway, I didn't take it amusingly this time, I was quite annoyed and said "yep off home now" still trying to be polite.  He then asked if I was on my school holidays now (I am an art teacher) I said I was still on maternity leave and he then proceeded come up with all manner of criticisms for my being on maternity leave, complaining that he was paying for me to be off, the bemoaning the fact that men can only have a couple of weeks.  I said I had payed my taxes and he joked that I had hardly been out of school long and that I hadn't payed my dues.  This went on back and forth, him throwing out some sexist criticism and me trying rather pathetically to defend myself, and I got more and more annoyed, in the end I said "Look, when men start lactating then they can take a year off work"  and closed my car door and left. 
On my way home I felt really cross and upset and suddenly felt like all my energy had been zapped from me, I felt cross at myself for not coming up with some witty response or argument to defend myself better, thinking about what I had said, re-running the scene in my mind wishing I had said something else.  I almost felt like crying, I just wanted to go home and sit in front of the TV.  I had to do some shopping so went to Asda and got a few bits, and as I was walking round feeling totally drained from the whole thing, I suddenly realised, "it's not me, it's him".  He has never been horrible to me before, in fact he has been quite kind, lending me his strimmer and black plastic to cover my weeds, I had done nothing wrong to provoke such a response.  I thought to myself, maybe he had had a bad day, maybe his wife had upset him before he left, maybe he has had some kind of unpleasant run in with a woman that has left him feeling emasculated, maybe he needed to make himself feel big and manly, what ever it was, it wasn't my fault he felt that way so why was I carrying the upset and the anger that he had put onto my shoulders, and suddenly I felt lighter, relieved, like a weight had been lifted, "it's not me, it's him"  "it's not me it's.......(inset name of someone who has upset me in the past)".  If only I had realised this a long time ago I could have lived my life without carrying other people's burdens.  I am so glad that I have realised it now, and just hope that I apply it to similar situations in future,  it has enabled me to feeling forgiveness, sympathy almost for people who have hurt me.  "It's not me, it's them". 

Attachment Parenting on Lorraine

The other day a friend informend me that there had been a segment on Lorraine on ITV about attachment parenting, I was intrigued as my husband and I try to follow the principles of attachment parenting, and thought excellent, the general public will find out how great attachment parenting is, how wrong I was.

Attachment parenting as I know it from the book by William and Martha Sears is based on the principle of the the 7 baby b's; Birth bonding, breastfeeding, baby wearing, bedding close to baby, belief in the language of your baby's cries, beware of baby trainers and balance. However upon watching the 6 minute segment on Lorraine, only 3 baby b's are alluded to; breast feeding, bed sharing and baby wearing thus leading viewers to gain an inaccurate understanding of the attachment parenting principles.  

The poor woman invited onto the show in defence of attachment parenting was given very little time to talk about these three principles and as she began to explain that you can still be an attached parent if you don't breast feed, she was cut off by the presenter and told to move onto the next point.  The same happened when she started to say that you could still be attached and not share a bed. 

After the first lady had spoken the anti-AP lady began her piece, bemoaning the principles, saying that attached children would not be able to cope in the real world.

I was very disappointed with the programme's presentation of attachment parenting, the time that was given to the discussion and the lack of truth in what was portrayed as being the main features of attachment parenting. The viewer was left feeling that all parents who follow AP principles breastfeed till their children are at school, share a bed at all times and carry their babies all day, everyday, there is so much more to attachment parenting than this.  

On a personal level, I am still breastfeeding my baby and will continue to do so until I feel that he is ready to stop.  I sometimes have him in bed with us, but to be honest I don't sleep as well as I do when he is in his own little cot, which is right next to ours.  As for baby wearing, I did this a lot when he was a few weeks old, but find I get a sore back now as he is quite heavy!  The other baby b's are so important, I can't believe they were ignored; maybe the most important one to me is responding to baby's cries, we don't let our baby cry if at all possible (although sometimes I have no choice like if I am on the loo or something!) and pick him up as soon as he does.  The principle of balance says that parents must approach each principle in a balanced way, it is not an all or nothing approach but a do what you can approach and make it work for you approach. 

One left the programme feeling that attachment parents were hippiefied weirdos who selfishly keep their children close by for their own benefit and not for the children's.  What a shame that yet again the media has failed to portray the truth and many many parents won't be able to take advantage of the benefits of attachment parenting.

What this blog is all about

This might sound really silly but the other day I realised what this blog is all about.  I had been feeling all bothered about not having a singular voice or a focus for the blog.  I wanted it to be cohesive, but felt it came across as muddled and without direction because of all my separate interests, ideas and aspects to my life.
It hit me whilst browsing some other blogs about parenting; The Minimalist Mom,  The imagination tree and Little eco footprints.  And now, having seen the way other people come across on their blogs, I can explain the content of my blog with one wonderful word, Alternative.  Let me explain first by examining what I see as being the opposite to "Alternative":
The Anti-to my "alternative" can be encompassed in three words; conventional, mainstream and conformist.  I see these things as following the status-quo, not questioning, accepting the way things are, not hoping for change.  Also, (perhaps rather more controversially) I see this way of life as being Capitalist; a life in which on strives for always more money and/or power; consumerism.
 My life, and this blog is about getting more of other things in my life than money, stuff and power.  More love, more joy, more peace, greater satisfaction, better relationships, greater autonomy,  more self-reliance when it comes to material things, better quality of life. And in so doing, following a way of life which is alternative to the mainstream of what most people do; challenging what is the norm and being more mindful of the planet as I do so.  Putting this into practical terms means my blog is about:

• Trying to be financially self-sufficient through working for myself, selling my wares (Art, crafts) and my skills (teaching, photography),
• Trying to be more environmentally friendly and self-sufficient through growing my own veg (Allotment), making things rather than buying them (crafts) and doing things that help the environment, or at the least cause it less damage,
• Following alternative parenting approaches, (attachment parenting, eco-parenting)
• Differentiating myself from secular, mainstream society, living a "good" life, (Christianity) 
• Thinking about life, the world and everything in a different way, not conforming to how society expects me to behave, act, dress etc.

And all these things are of course interconnecting, so it looks something like this:

A bit messy I know, but that's just me!

So in summary, this blog is about my life...my Alternative life.  

Hope you like it!

Is it possible to live 100% ethically?

Is it possible to live an 100% ethical and environmentally friendly life?
I have been inspired to ask myself this question by my own passion for the environment and noticing that I absolutely don't live as ethically and environmentally friendlily as I could; also by observing contradictions in the lives of others who claim to be passionate about the environment and particularly animal welfare.
Let me give you some examples;

• Three years ago my now husband and I decided we wanted to have an eco wedding, I had an organic silk dress made by my sister, UK grown flowers, organic food served at the reception, home made soap for favours and home made name places made with all found, natural materials.  And yet, we made our guests drive for an hour on the motor way to get to our wedding reception!
• Husband and I buy all organic veg from a local supplier and buy organic and locally grown food when we can, and yet every Friday we buy a takeaway which contains meats, cheeses and grains from who knows where (and certainly not organic)
• I use partially bio-degradable nappies which I pack into bio-degradable nappy bags, but they are still not as environmentally friendly as using washables, but I choose to use disposables because they are easier. 
• I walk to anywhere within a mile or so of my house and use the car as little as possibly for short journeys when I can walk, but at weekends we drive around the south of England visiting National Trust properties in my husbands fuel guzzling car. 
• Many people would say that having a child is the most unethical and the most damaging thing to the environment I can do.

And in the lives of others:

• People who buy plastic shoes rather than leather because it is kinder to animals.  I am not sure this is more ethical because oil production causes devastation to many countries, including harm to both human and animal residents. 
• People who use maple syrup rather than honey because it is kinder to the bees, and yet, how kind is it to the environment to fly maple syrup over from Canada?
• I could say a few more things that Vegans who say they are passionate about the environment and animals do that seem unkind to the environment but I don't want to sound like I have some thing against Vegans, I just think sometimes their ethics seem a bit muddled. 

(I think sometimes people underestimate, or just aren't aware of the human cost of pumping oil.  Read a book like Cruel World by Peter Maass to find out more)

Sometimes practicality makes living ethically and living in an environmentally friendly way very difficult or nearly impossible, for example it is not practical for me to have my own hens, my garden is too small and my allotment is 4 miles away, so I have to buy eggs, which, even when they are organic will have been through some sort of process in order to be classified, packaged and transported.

Other times it is just too expensive to be ethical and environmental, for example a train journey to Swansea could cost as much as £206 (a standard price ticket, not first class) and driving would cost less than £70 in fuel, but it is far less environmentally friendly.

On these occasions is it ok to be unethical or un-environmental?

Also if we assume that any product or process that involves using oil is unethical, or damaging to the environment then how is it even possible to live in the UK? Oil is an integral part of everyday life, if you are reading this post now then oil has been found, drilled, transported, refined and turned into computer parts (and that is before we even go into the despicable circumstances in which minerals that are essential in making computers are mined).

Virtually every activity I take part in on a daily basis will have used oil in some way, my bed sheets, made of poly-cotton, my cereal manufactured in a factory, packaged, transported etc, to bake a cake for my friends used electricity, made burning fossil fuels, I could go on and on.

Ok so I have answered, my own question, no it isn't possibly to live in a 100% ethical and environmentally un-damaging way; sure it might be possible to live ethically in a wooden hut growing my own veg in the middle of no where, but you couldn't do this in the UK as far as I'm aware because the cost of land is too high for my budget, so I would have to move away from my friends and family to, I don't know, Outer Mongolia, but where would be the fun in that? What would be the point of being alive at all? One might as well kill oneself, that would be the most environmentally friendly thing to do!!  But then I am a Christian and the Bible does advise against self murder, so that, along with the fact that I quite like being alive discounts that option.  
On the flip side, if you can't be 100% ethical and environmentally friendly, then why bother trying at all, just one person can't make a difference, one might as well just go with the status quo and enjoy oneself.  When I asked this question on Facebook one person questioned why you would want to try and my lovely dad had a great answer:
  
"Life is always a balance of what is ethical and what is not. For everything you do that is ethical there is something however that is not. You can only do your best and try to be ethical as possible...maximum consumption with unethical supply will eventually result in misery all round for everyone. Being Ethical is a view of doing what is correct for everyone in general not just doing what is best for you as an individual. Being selfish without concern for others is unethical, do unto others what you would like others to do to you, is an ethical view.  Alternatively, do as you like and sod everyone else if you are a self centred miserable git. As the saying goes, you reap what you sow!"

 Like my dad, I am a person with a social conscience I could not justify behaviour which didn't take into account the well being of others. So how can we find equilibrium between the opposing forces of wanting to do what is right and yet being practical about it?  Another friend had a good answer:

"I think it's good to be as ethical as you can manage to be without getting uptight about it. Different people have different levels of comfort with this and I think it's reasonable to accept that someone else's comfort level may not be the same as yours. I think you need to be flexible to be ethical in the modern world. I also think worrying about it is unproductive. I grew up in a very ethical family and have struggled for years with guilt trips on this one. My policy is now to be "ethical" when it is reasonably practical to be so and don't worry about it any other time."


This seems like a positive view to me with they key word coming out as "Balance", creating equilibrium between doing what is right and what is practical leads to a sense of mindfulness towards the world as well as being kind to oneself in terms of pressure to do the right thing and guilt. 

For me, I feel strongly that when I leave this world to go home, I want to be able to look back and think yes, I have left that place in the best possible condition for my children to live in.  I can feel like I have been a good custodian to the gift that is planet earth and have been mindful of my fellow humans with whom I shared it.

What are your thoughts?

What to do when you feel like you don't belong?

Today I received a text message on my phone saying I could get 20% discount on my purchases from New Look if I gave them a particular code at the checkout.  So I took myself and my bubba off into town, him in his pushchair and headed to New Look to see if I could scout out a few bargains. I haven't actually shopped in New Look for probably a few years, but didn't think I was so past it that it wasn't a shop for me.  Top Shop maybe, but not New Look.  How wrong was I?  Not only was it patently clear that the staff rarely came across a shopper with a baby in tow (lots of faffing in the changing rooms), but the clothes were most certainly targeted at a younger age group that my own!  Seriously, unless you enjoy wearing leggings and a denim jacket with the sleeves cut off, there was nothing in that shop for you.

I meandered around town for about half an hour after this and left feeling a strong sense that I didn't belong.  Talking on the phone to my sister later I said that it wasn't that I felt too old but just that I wasn't part of that world any more.  I had very little desire to buy anything, in fact the only thing I saw that I was even remotely interested in buying I decided I could make myself.

Is it just me or do you sometimes feel like you aren't part of this world?
Sometimes I think I just want to pack it all in, sell the house and buy a shack or mobile home or something with a little bit of land, grow my own veg, have a goat and not worry about the rest of the world, just my own little patch with my husband and baby where I don't have to constantly compare my body to those of the over stuffed teenagers tat are forced in front of out faces every time we open a magazine or see a billboard, where I don't have to think about the latest trends in fashion, or the newest age defying face cream.

Do you ever feel like you want to reject the modern day world?  How do you satisfy this longing when you really can't escape the life you have to live?