Thoughts on becoming a stay-at-home-mum

I have been wanting to write this post for a while now and had a few of the sentences floating round in my head.  Now I have come to finally write it I am finding my phrases imperfect and not truly reflecting the emotions I have been through over the past year, however I have gone ahead and written some words, imperfect as they are to try to describe where I am now in my life, I am sorry they aren't flowing and poetic, but I hope they show truth and I guess that's the most important thing.  I hope you can forgive me...I am tired!
On the 31st of January I officially completed my last day of maternity leave and became a full time stay at home mum (although I have to say there isn't an awful lot of staying at home involved!) I went into my school to hand in my keys and access card and say bye to the other teachers in my department, as I left school I felt a range of emotions, from sadness at leaving my job, my fellow teachers and my pupils, to joy and relief that I wasn't going to have to leave my baby boy with a nursery or child-minder, and I would get to do what I have always dreamed of, bring up my own baby and being a mum.  It wasn't an easy decision to make, losing one income in our house means making cutbacks in our daily living, lots of compromises and penny pinching.  I also have a strange shadow of a feeling of losing part of myself somehow.  I don't relish the thought of not being employed, particularly not having my own money but also losing a substantial part of my identity, teaching art is part of who I am and I am not going to have that any more, I certainly feel like I am losing a small amount of independence, it's something I am still getting my head around, but trying to accept that I have a new job now, the most wonderful and important job I will ever and could ever do.
As I drove home, my little mad sleeping in the back, Lady GaGa on the CD player, I reflected on the past year, on the highs and lows and on what a challenging year it has been.  As well as the most wonderful experiences and emotions, at times I have also felt broken, torn apart, vulnerable and insecure.  It has definitely been the hardest year of my life.  And as stressful and frustrating as teaching has been at times nothing has compared to how hard it is being a parent.  I used to think it was hard work being a teacher, going to work every day, teaching unappreciative children, working long hours, often thankless and sometimes depressing, but I didn't know anything!  I didn't have a clue about how hard life could be until I became a parent. Giving birth has defiantly scarred me, it broke me open, both physically and emotionally and I am still recovering.  Looking after a tiny baby who doesn't...can't thank you, the breastfeeding, the wakeful nights, the feeling of desperation when your precious baby is crying and nothing...nothing seems to make him feel better.  The hours I spent walking in circles around the green opposite my house soothing him to sleep in the carrier, these are all just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to actually looking after a baby. 
And I now have so so much admiration for my parents, my mother particularly, and mothers everywhere.  To me there really is nothing harder than being pregnant, giving birth and being a mother.  I can't even being to imagine how hard it must be for women who desperately want to stay home with their babes and for financial reasons they have to go back to work, I know how lucky I am that statying at home was an option for me.  And don't get me wrong, I chose it, I wanted it, it was, is a dream that for a long time I never thought would come true.  And I LOVE it.
On Monday my gorgeous boy turns one and I will reflect on the day my life changed forever and do you know what, we may not have much money but I couldn't be happier. And I can't wait to continue sharing my life with you, hopefully more frequently in future even if I am clumsy with my words and stumble on my phrasing, I have found writing this blog helpful in enabling me to reflect on life, so as sparse as it is sometimes, I still love it.

Is he gorgeous or what??

Faithful God

I feel really happy today, it has been a stressful week at work and today was the climax.  We were having observations from the senior leadership team AND people from the council.  We were told the day but not what lesson they were coming into. When I found out they would be coming in on Thursday I just thought "oh no" because Thursday is my worst teaching day, I have dreadful classing including nightmare year 9's, offensive year 10's and wild year 8's. My only nice class on that day was year 11period 1 so I was really hoping that I would be observed for this lesson, not only because they are nicer to teach but also because it was the first lesson of the day so I would be able to relax a bit after that if they came in then. I talked to another teacher who was observed on Wednesday and he was observed in his year 10 lesson and said that I would probably be observed either in my year 9 or 10 lesson.  I didn't hear of any other teacher who was observed during a year 11 lesson so was bracing myself for a year 10 or 9 observation and planned the lessons really really well.  I did the least amount of planning for year 11 because I thought they were the class that would be least likely to be observed.  That was how convinced I was that I wouldn't be observed with them.  So I prayed and prayed last night that they would come into my year 11 lesson, and I prayed again this morning, remembering that "You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it" (John 14:14), and about 15 minutes into my year 11 lesson one of the Deputy Heads came in to observe me. I was so pleased and relieved and thankful.  In my heart I was praising God!
I thought I could relax then for the rest of the day but instead God decided to play a joke on me and sent another inspector into my period 2 lesson (year 8). I couldn't believe it, but when I told her that I had already been observed she went away "phew"  Ha ha God, very funny.  But what was interesting was that she showed me her timetable for observation and she was correct to come into my lesson, it was the first observer wasn't timetabled to be there.  This proved to me even more that it was all God's work.  What a faithful God!

good manners and intentional dumbing down

Two things to mention today, please bare with me, you may consider this a rant...

On Wednesday I went to a charity shop.  It was a charity shop I have never been to before in a not particularly nice part of town, it smelled bad and the people in there were weird but I did find a useful vase and a tea cup that I am going to decorate, anyway, as I was leaving, two men were approaching the door from the outside as I was approaching the door from the inside.  I opened the door and I suppose I expected the men to let me go out first before they came in (as in the style of people leaving the tube), but instead they came straight in which I held the door for them with not so much as a second glance from them let alone a thank you, I was most irked and felt like saying "no really, you go first" in a sarcastic tone (I refrained due to the aforementioned non-niceness of that part of town).  What has the world come to? I firmly believe that good manners are a sign of civilisation so I can only deduce from my distressing Wednesday experience that we are becoming less civilised.

And another thing.  Why is it that in a class of 30, children choose to reduce their intelligence level to that of the lowest common denominator?  In my world it make sense to look up to the intelligent kids and to wish you were like them, to envy them, but in the real world all the children in the class dumb themselves down to the level of the one or two idiots in the class.  Really, I ask you, what is the world coming to?

Exciting News

I have exciting news for me to share today (as in it's exciting news for me that I will share with you today!)
I have been thinking and talking to my hubby, for perhaps a year or so now about reducing my days at school, but have always thought it was impossible and that they would never let me do it.  Well a few weeks ago some factors came together that made me think that perhaps it would be possible for me to reduce my days per week of teaching.  So I went and spoke to my headmaster and just asked about the possibility, he said he would discuss it with the deputy but thought it would be possible, so I though I would just wait it out and see what he said, pretty much thinking they would say it wouldn't work with the timetable.  Next thing I know, yesterday I was told that not only is it definitely possible but it is happening!!  I can't believe how quickly this has all come together.  I don't know what day I will have off yet but I am really excited about it.  I feel I am finally taking a step in the right directing and doing something to change my life rather than just moaning about it. 
I will go down to four days per week in January and I am just itching when I think of all the things I am going to do with my extra day.  My main focus will be my Art work but I will also use the time to organise more photography so I have still got that extra income. My husband and I have talked about it and said that I am going to have to be really disciplined with my time, make plans for what I am going to do, make sure I follow things through and make sure I am making money (we still have a rather large mortgage to pay after all). It would be great if I didn't have to worry about the money, but for us it is a fact of life and I just have to live with it. 
I can't believe in just two weeks time I will have a new timetable and a different working week, so exciting.  I can;t wait to share everything with all of you, I really hope it is going to be a success, it makes me feel very nervous, but I know I am doing the right thing.

Thoughts on teaching and being a child

I have come to realise that I do, in fact actually really enjoy teaching.  The act of showing someone how to do something and then seeing them do it for themselves and be pleased with the results is extremely rewarding.  Seeing the charge in someone when this process occurs is thrilling and beautiful. 
Sadly these occasions rarely happen as an Art teacher in my school.  I am absolutely not exaggerating when I say that I spend most of my time, perhaps 75% doing things other than teaching; report writing, phoning parents, tidying up, preparing for lessons, dealing with bad behaviour, sitting through meetings, marking and reading or writing emails to name but a few.  This can be wholly soul destroying.  Today was particularly bad, little hurts more than being told that my lessons are boring, being sworn at, shouted at and argued with, ignored and laughed at when all I want is to share my skills and knowledge, and the joy of creating. 
All this makes me cross and I hate feeling cross, doing these kind of lessons does not bring out the best in me, in fact it brings out the worst; I become nasty and shouty, frantic, anxious and panicky, it's not good for me and it is not good for the kids who do want to learn.  It makes me feel so sad.  I never knew I could become this kind of teacher. 
As a child I was so free with my creativity.  I remember being at playgroup and doing potato stamping, different shapes like stars and hearts.  I had had enough of the potato printing and started smearing my paint across the paper with the potato to make a rainbow.  The teacher told me that I was doing it wrong.
I have become this teacher.  I teach to the rules, I teach to get grades, I teach to keep the class under control.  The joy and freedom I experienced smearing paint with a potato seems to have been lost in my school and in my experience as a teacher.
I desperately want to re-capture my creative and expressive free spirit that I had as a child, I feel I am slowly working towards something with the paintings I have been doing.  They are not perfect expressions, but they are something.  They bring me hope, they remind me of who I really am.

New stash

What a great day!  After much effort, stress and anxiety  I pulled off a pretty amazing lesson for my observation (even if I do say so myself!). My class were brilliant, really well behaved and seemed to say all the right things to the headmaster who was observing me. I was really chuffed when I received my feedback which was "Good" (the scale being unsatisfactory, satisfactory, good, outstanding) I only got satisfactory last time I was very happy after.

Then to top the day off, I got home from work to find my monthly subscription scrap booking kit from Sarah's cards ltd had arrived, wasn't expecting it till tomorrow, so spent a good half hour opening everything, examining it, laying it out and putting it all back into it's bags! (I know...how sad!)
I can't wait to order some photos and get crafting with them.
Take a look at the stash:

I know, I got a bit carried away with the photo taking!

Three more scrapbook pages and learning to crochet

What a wonderfully blustery, wild and windy day complete with leaves dancing around in the wind, torrents of dramatic rainfall and rainbows!


I definitely needed stirring up today because I am getting bogged down and starting to feel the pressure from school because my lesson tomorrow with year 10 is being observed by the head master *eek*. I have to get at least "good" for the lesson in order to avoid another observation. I only got satisfactory last time so the pressure is really on. Wish me luck!
To take my mind off things I thought I would share some things with you, firstly a few more pages from my wedding scrapbook. I will finish it eventually (yes I did get married over a year ago!) but I am pretty new to scrapbooking so I am agonising over every page.  These three are about our visit to the venue that we chose:

In other news I am learning to crochet!!  It seems as I get older I find it more and more difficult to learn new things so it is taking an absolute age.  Luckily I have had lovely teacher from work teaching me, and went round to her house last week for a little lesson, and she showed me a few basic stitches.  Unfortunately due to lack of time I have not done very much, but it is a start at least.  What I really want is to be able to crochet actual things as opposed to just squares or tubes!  I am trying for flowers so I can make little brooches.

Gosh , it was so dark when I took these photos the depth of field is tiny!  I am amazed  I didn't need a tripod:

I have been feeling a bit peculiar recently, a little bit lost and feeling sorry for myself.  We had a staff training session at school about helping pupils to cope with anxiety and I though "who is there to help the teachers with their anxiety?".  It also got me thinking about when I was at school and about how much time I spent absolutely terrified of doing the wrong thing.  I am not entirely sure what I thought would happen if I did the wrong thing but I was extremely anxious about it.  I feel like the little child that is still in me needs a cuddle for the stress she went through as a girl, I feel like I need to nurture myself, take more care of my soul, guard my heart a little more.  I am sick of other people dictating to me what should be important in my life.  I mean I like my job and everything, but I like me more.  I think I need to make some art about this....



Gosh what a stressful day

Gosh it's been a funny sort of busy and stressful day, I already had a busy day, then I got put down to do cover during my only free on my timetable and had to teach a sour faced year 11 class for an hour. Then at 3.00 I remembered that I had to do something for the worship session at the home group I attend on a Thursday afternoon, so grabbed some paper and felt tips, then remembered that I needed to scan in a painting into the computer (after my poor husband spent all yesterday evening trying to scan it into our laptop without success) the painting is this one which I have made for a commission I have accepted from a friend, the piece is for the cover of a music sheet book. So I spent a while trying to scan it in and then realised the image was too large to email to myself and had to search for a memory stick to save it on *sigh*. Then I had barely walked through my front door before I had a phone call from 02 asking if I wanted to change my mobile phone contract...normally this would by an immediate no because I like my current contaract of free text messages but if did seem like a very good offer with free text messages and 300 free minutes to all mobile networks, and unlimited landline calls. So I am now paying an extra £5 a month?! (have I been had?) Plus I gave all my bank details over the phone *eek*. Not sure what my husband would think of that. So I wait with baited breath for my next bank statement.


I have finally had a chance to sit down and it won't be for long because I have to do a mountain of ironing and tidy the house for a friend who is coming over tomorrow for my husband’s birthday (oh that reminded me I have to wrap all his presents), then do dinner and I am off to the home group at 8.00! Blimey, I am going to be knackered. Wish me luck everyone.

xxx

Etsy Love

Trying to get back into the blogging routine with one of my favorite blog posts of the week, Etsy favorites. 

I can't help but give you a "back to school" theme today, as much as I resent being back at school, these items could just make it a little more cheery!

rachel elsie

Blue Toad

Bozontee

Paisley baby

eclectic quirky

Deflated

Feeling a bit deflated today.  Had a rather unpleasant day at work with some nasty pupils and some unsupportive members of staff. I am feeling particularly unhappy about the fact that I have not had one word of thanks from the pupils or the parent's of the pupils who I took to St Ives last week.  Teaching truly is a thankless task. 
I also don't get nearly enough time to do my own art work, half the time I am at home I spend recovering from school.  I have had two very bad headaches this week that I have had to take pain killers for. Sorry for moaning but my husband is getting sick of listening to me moan about school so I need some other outlet!
On a more positive note, only one week and three days till the summer holidays!!

The things I do for teaching

This is a box I made a few weeks ago for one of my classes, this is actually a photograph of it in it's unfinished state, don't know why I didn't photograph it when it was finished.  It's at school now so will have to photograph it tomorrow and post the finished item. 

The theme of the project is identity and pupils choose a role model and create a box that shows their identity and what it is about them that you look up to. 

I chose my mum.

Tune in again soon to see Captain Jack Sparrow's head made from a milk bottle! (you think I am kidding!?)

teaching today

Teaching today was hard work, I don't usually talk about work and stuff on this blog because it is supposed to be a craft based blog, but I just feel like sharing, you can find out a bit more about me for one thing.
Here is a sample of some of the things I have experienced today:

A bobbin of cotton trailed all around the table legs of the classroom,
I was called a b**ch behind my back,
Two boys having a punch up,
Was accused of picking on a boy,
A boy mocking another for his speech impediment,
A girl bullying another girl by not letting her join their group,
Being accused of calling a girl ugly,
Two pupils walking out of my classroom without permission,
Boys flicking PVA glue at each other,

I could go on but I think you get the picture, it was not a good day!
However I can cope with all this, this is the sort of thing I deal with on a daily basis anyway, what really upsets and concerns be is the attitudes that the pupils bring to school which are most probably learnt from home.

As a Christian (and a normal human being with morals) I was always taught to love my enemy and to turn the other cheek. I was taught that two wrongs do not make a right, I was taught that if someone does something nasty to you then you should tell a teacher so that they can sort it out.   The pupils I teach have not been taught this.  The pupil I teach have actively been told by their parents that if someone hits you, then you must hit them back.  That if someone is nasty to you then you should be nasty back.  It makes for a most unpleasant atmosphere of retaliation and spite.

Am I being unreasonable?  Please share your thought.

Shocked and Appauled

I was really shocked the other day at school some of my students were talking about the 'bad' things they have done and were asking me what 'bad' things I had done.  I said that I had been pulled over by the police when I was on my bike for not signalling properly at a roundabout!  Then one of the girls said 'thats nothing, I was arrested for shoplifting and spent four hours in a cell when I was 13'.  I was really shocked at this and other pupils began telling stories of when they had stoled things from shops. 
I really could not believe what I was hearing, since when did it become ok to shoplife?  Since when did it  stealing to be something become and thing you are not ashamed of, even something you are proud of! 
The students were saying that I hadn't lived because I hadn't stolen anothing and that it was an adrenaline rush.

What is the world coming to?! I was brought up to believe that stealing was wrong and thus is something that I have never done.  What do they teach these kids at school?

Doggie doo doo dilema

Hi everyone,

Today I went onto my school field and has a little walk about.  Around the edge of the field is a high fence, and on the other side of the fence is a footpath.  Imagine my disgust when I discovered that, littered all the way along the fence were little doggie poo baggies with poos in them, people ha been slinging their dog's poos over the fence in the absence of a poo bin!!  It was really gross. 
What I really can't understand is...why bother picking up your dog's poo and putting it into a bag when you are then going to sling it over a fence into a school playing field!?  It's a very strange double standard to me. 
Here is the evidence:

I welcome comments and followers

Hello you!!


You look so fab today. Really.

I just wanted to tell you all that it is now super easy to follow my blog, simply click on Google follow button, and can I just tell you how happy it would make me if you did decide to follow my blog....It would make me very happy indeed!
I also want to tell you lovely lovely people that I really do welcome comments and I love to hear from you. It makes me smile to see a beautiful number next to that little comments button (a number other than 0 obviously.)
So to get the ball rolling...I teach a class called XC (stands for Cross Curricular, I will let you decide what that means) I did a task on identity a couple of weeks ago where I got my pupils to write one word to describe themselves for each letter of the alphabet. I did one for myself too, I won't give you the whole list but my favourite was E, for *enigmatic*.
What one word would you use to describe yourself?

2010

Happy New Year Everyone, (although a little late)
Had a really good new year actually, had one of my oldest friends over and her husband, and we drank, had a lovely dinner with a home made banoffee pie for desert, party poppers, a conga in the green opposite my house and we even cracked open the bottle of sloe gin we have been lovingly nurturing over the past four months! (Sadly it tasted of rubber, but hey, you win some, you lose some)
On Sunday my Husband and I went for a walk at a nature reserve near us called Dinton Pastures. It is a series of lakes with footpaths to walk round them. It was really lovely, a sunny day and we really enjoyed walking in lots of ice. In the fields next to the footpath there must have been a small amount of flooding. The water on the surface had frozen, then the water beneath the layer of ices had drained away so we were left with a sort of floating layer of ice that cracked and scrunched beautifully under our feel, it was extremely pleasurable, and I really wish I had my camera. It was a lovely walk.
Back to school today though and not very enjoyable, you can read more on my other blog which reveals the truth about state schools. Trying to remain positive though, and am keeping to my resolution of watching less TV. Normally I would have it on right now, but don't and I am not going to put it on till celebrity BB is on (sad I know) and even then I am going to do some of my wedding scrap book which I started back in May 08 and really need to get finished. Will post some pics of it up here at some point.