But after I finished it and have looked at in on the wall for a while I have been wondering where to go next. Often I will do a painting which fully fulfils some urge or desire I had to fulfil or some message I had to give and after sending that message or urge or desire out into the world, the process has fulfilled whatever need it was in me to make it physical and I do not need to explore it further. Then I feel stuck. I often can't make more that one artwork from one idea, the idea is usually completely satisfied by one creation.
So I have been wondering what to do over the last couple of weeks, I see work on the internet that I love and I think I want to do something like that, but not too much like that, more like me and I worry about not being authentic and end up doing nothing. I am also feeling nudged towards creating some art based on my faith but desperately don't want it to be clichéd or typical of other Christian art that is out there and I really don't know where to go with it. I feel like I need to have time to journal and experiment and play, but often don't allow myself or won't allow myself to do this because it feels like a waste of time and that I should just be painting or making or selling. I feel like I want to go back to school and learn some new techniques, do some classes, but I don't have the money or the time. My heart is pulling me in many directions right now and I feel frightened and not at all confident.
I am frustrated that there are artist's out there giving classes, sharing advice and skills, selling their work, who have no art education whatsoever. I am probably just jealous, but I did 7 years of art training for goodness sake I know a lot about the history of art, the purpose and meaning of it, I am a qualified art teacher, I have a degree in fine art so why do I feel so inadequate and incapable of doing anything real and true, or anything "good enough". I definitely feel like I need more time to develop my practice, but how much time? When does it get to a point where I am too scared and using my fear as an excuse not to branch out and take a leap of faith? Why do I feel like such a fraud all the time?
Sorry this post is so self deprecating, need to snap out of it really. I need to not be so lazy as I have been and just get on a do these things that I am trying to do. Stop wasting time.
Tomorrow I will try to make some art and be kind to myself and try to move forward. I will pray for direction with my artwork, for inspiration from the most creative being in existence.
Think positive, you can do it!