I have had a very full heart these last few days and have spent a lot of time thinking about people from my past, mulling over things that bother me, and generally getting very het up inside for no reason at all other than what keeps popping into my mind, sparked off my memories, objects and actions. I have always found it hard to let go of things, as The Weepies put it I have "it's funny how we animate colourful objects saved" and "I held so many people in my suitcase heart,". I really do feel like my heart is a suitcase and I am carrying around so much junk. When I was at University doing my Fine Art Degree I created an art work based on my brother whom my family and I had left behind in Birmingham when we moved to Wales. He had decided that he did not want to move, so stayed living in our old house until it was sold. At that time I was feeling quite distressed at having to leave the home that I had grown up in, I felt like I was leaving my childhood behind, and my brother was a representation of all my feelings of loss. The art piece was a suitcase which contained photos of my brother and memories about our old house and the happy years we had spent in it. The idea was that I could then pack up all my feelings about my brother and the house and take all the memories and everything with me in the suitcase.
Over the years I have filled many many suitcases like this in my heart, and I drag them all around daily, it can be very tiring. I am trying to let things go more, the Bible says there is a "a time to keep and a time to throw away", I must learn to identify when it is time to throw away. I have the seed of an idea for an art piece about letting go, I am waiting for it to grow into something that can be manifest with paper and paint, it might even be a suitcase. I am torn at the moment between making meaningful artworks that could sell and making very personal expressions. There are certainly things that need to be said, but I also need some money! I will just have to see how it goes, but one thing I can say for certain is that having these Wednesdays are doing me a world of good, my mind is growing so many branches like a giant tree, or perhaps it is roots, I am not sure but there are connections being made and new ideas, thoughts, meaning being created in there. It is an exciting time when I feel like this I begin to think about possibilities, creating new things to put out into the world. But it scary too. I am still playing it quite safe with my art, although it is definitely me out there, but I am not totally exposed, I am sharing truths that we all know and not yet sharing truths that are very personal to me. That's the scary thing, if I put them out there, what will happen? Then there come the doubts, rejection, criticism, people won't like it, they will think it is silly, It's not any good, I will just be wasting my time, paralysis and failure. The gremlins rear their ugly heads and suddenly I am in a cage. I am still learning how to get out, an image of a caged bird comes into my mind, the bars being the aforementioned emotions. Getting out can be hard to do and it takes bravery but it is that bravery that is essential and a growing, deep understanding that my truth is important.
Bruce Mau in his Incomplete manifesto for change says:
"Forget about good. Good is a known quantity. Good is what we all agree on. Growth is not necessarily good. Growth is an exploration of unlit recesses that may or may not yield to our research. As long as you stick to good you'll never have real growth."
This is what I need to remember, not everything I do will be successful in terms of "good" but everything I do is successful in terms of growth, if I am not worried about it being "good".
Here is something I made today: